I Don’t Feel Alive - Chelsea Cutler

Skin and bones, stomach aches

Lucid dreams, hold my breath

When I'm wide awake

Connecticut, dissociate

Maybe I should buy a house

In a town upstate

If I could, I'd wake myself up when I am somebody that I'm proud of

I'm getting undressed for my lover

And praying she don't hate all my skin like I do

I'm reading books and drinking coffee

Stepping on a scale I keep in the bathroom

The water goes downhill, and still

I swim against the current with two arms that cannot fly

And I don't feel alive

No, I don't feel alive

Telehealth, TV episodes

Swallow seeds, but the fruit never seems to grow

Validate, what I know

What I believe in and everywhere I wanna go

If I could, I'd wake myself up when I am somebody that I'm proud of

I’m paying three different psychologists

Trying to remember who I told what story to

I’m writing feelings in a journal

'Cause that’s what people who have their shit together seem to do

The water goes downhill, and still

I swim against the current with two arms that cannot fly

And I don't feel alive

No, I don't feel alive

I keep coming up for air and ending up with water in my—

I keep coming up for air and ending up with water in my lungs

I’m learning how to set my boundaries

How to have compassion for myself and for my mind

I’m turning off my fucking cell phone

And trying to have honest conversations in real life

The water goes downhill, and still

I swim against the current with two arms that cannot fly

And I don't feel alive

No, I don't feel alive (I feel alive, oh)

I keep coming up for air and ending up with water in my—

I keep coming up for air and ending up with water in my— (I don't feel alive)

I keep coming up for air and ending up with water in my— (I don't feel alive, I don't feel alive)

I keep coming up for air and ending up with water in my lungs (I don't feel alive)